Thoughts and, updates.

Here i am yet another blog for anyone out there that might be listening.

Bite my lip and close my eyes take me away to paradise, I'm so damn bored I'm going blind and i smell like shit"

Sound familiar? Those Green Day lyrics now have a total new meaning to me in my current bore of a teenage life.
So, ive made some realizations...#1 there is not one damn fun thing for a teenager to do in this hell hole . #2 Eating food...because, your bored is not healthy.#3 WE are so boring here the news people don't even mention when bad weather is AROUND us.#4 Everyone is losing their minds.(what else is there to do?)#5 POT HEADS POT HEADS POT HEADS(need i say more?) #6 I cant wait to get out of here.


I'm so sick of everything becoming routine. This place has made me a lazy person. And, i'm seriously sick of it here. I'm REALLY against drugs, but i cant help but, feel when i'm sitting on my bed with the tv repeats....the same old dry paint posters everywhere...as "interesting" as my room is..I'm fucking bored. I wish i smoked pot so i'd have SOMETHING to do. Yeah, it's a bad thing to think about...but, come on...i'm losing my mind here. And, teachers and parents always wonder why there is so many pot heads at school...IT'S BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING HERE! and we get desperate. It is possible for boredom to take you to the brink of insanity. If they care so much about us kids becoming "punk ass druggies" *eyes roll* Why won't they get off their asses and, do something about it? Give us more variety of things to do. Until then get used to pot.



New topic.
I'm in my second sophmore year of high school. and, school wise i guess it's going great. I like all my classes so far especially Theatere Arts. I'm of course the "class Clown"..and made a many more "friends"...more than i care for really. Social life= Boring(to me) I still haven't found the perfect match for me yet...but, i decided not to look for any guys here because, all the guys here suck relationship wise. Pfft..


My best friend shardasia...you know the one that moved away? She left me a message that made a knot in my throat...She i guess doesn't want to be friends anymore...she says we are too different now. I'm just so pissed and upset about it. I really don't know what to do, because ive known her for SO LONG.and i tried to replace her..and it's just not right. I hate knowing now that if she ever came back we wouldnt be best friends.

fuck it.

School's tomorrow..apparently my schools one of the "coolest" schools in bores-ville.
so news reporters will be there and they will hold a very special prep rally to show just how cool we are.I hope no one says something like "uh i think our school is cool because we can sell drugs in the hall ways right under teachers noses..oh and the fights! OH mann...the fights...are like everyday so you get a bit of entertainment :D" ect. Channel 4 can fuck off..they didn't pick our school for anything speacial they just picked out random schools in LameAssee and said they were one of the coolest schools. hugh yep i dont doubt it They probably won't come back...

WHY must the snow dissipate so fast here?







thanks, for tuning in.

I think we are poor now

All americans know that the economy is bad.

getting no better and getting worse(for me if not you).Could this be the new(or start of)

"GREAT DEPRESSION"?

i'm scared and i can't tell my friends :that i think im poor now. i wish i had someone i could talk to >_>

my step dad quit his job b/c they always treated him badly,paying him less than he deserved ect.

I dont want to be looked down apon ..At school i have many friends.

my Best guy friend is Dalton & my Best Friend scince kindergarden is a girl named shardasia, But she moved to Korea.

:( i would talk to dalton but, i dont want pity & thats why i dont talk to anyone about it :[

so im falling apart. on the outside you cant tell that i dont have any money to spend b/c i have lots of things & friends & SEEM HAPPY ALL THE TIME . & i like to make people happy and laugh. even though i have alot of "friends"Im not very stuck up though and i talk to everyone.

But, they dont really cut it i need SHardasia shes the only one that would understand. shes like the other me. *sigh*i never wanted to start my freshman year @ high school by myself :'[

Now, school is almost over (in two months not including this month)spring break starts friday night (no school) & im only 15. i have so much to worry about & i hate it. maybe im just going crazy because my anxiety. >_>

My 16Th birthday (may 9Th) isn't going to me sweet at all. i wont have money for even a small party. i might not have any money for a candle. when i said i wanted my birthday to be spacial last year this was far from my mind.

My mom is also saying she will have to get rid of the Internet & cell phones soon.

My mom gets servery depressed & takes medication. right now we have no money for her medication. It hurts to hear her talk about how she needs a psychiatrist because shes starting to get "BAD" again. i don't want to loose my mom. i already lost my cousin to .suicide. i cant..no i just cant do that ill go crazy. I'm now the LAST "JORDAN"<-(last name) in my family.

i have to convince myself & my mom that every things fine and it wont be forever.

but, I'm still so scared & well...depressed.

today i found myself crying in the middle of class...not sobbing or anything just crying silently to myself & my friends thought i was sleeping. i think that this is why i was crying.

I'm in so much pain..more than i can take. the pride, the happiness, luxuries, fun of my life is dissolving. the pain of seeing my mom cry my stepdad angry and rash ...my friends...40% rich...50% richer than me....shoving the selfishness of what i want that they have rubbing in my face UN-purposely silently mocking me. causing jealousy sickening me.

I'm a sick person i know that i could survive even without food clothing & luxuries.

but, i don't want that. i want a normal HEALTHY life.

I'm selfish i know. i KNOW there is most definitely people out there having a harder time than me.But, i cant take pity on them because, id hate that myself. i don't like it i hate it i hate it!

Is the world going MAD?

I miss my best friend....

Why won't the government take action?

it hurts.Everything hearts. Something inside me begs & cries out to not be alone. i don't want to be alone. & the nothingness i now feel makes me numb.

NIGHTMARE...AM I REALLY HERE?

Lately Ive been having strAange unspeakable nightmares. this may be funny to you because it is a bit funny NOw .....that im awake? anyways here it goes:I was going to leave & go onto the buses for the winter retreat.i said goodbye to my mom ect. there were two buses one greyhound and the one i got on WHITE justt plain WHITE.for some ungodly reason i picked the WhITe one.when i got on i was holding a puppy, my puppy apperntly.

i made my way to the back of the bus like always & SOME GUY was in my seats with his legs sprawled across everywhere creating a barrier that i was determined to break.(a girl likes challenges ok?) besides the seats across from \us were theft by the football jocks,,,,and im not dealing with those dumbasses AND THEY WERE PRETTY DUMB. anyways i put my gaze back on this guy, i dont remeber what he looked like or his name for some reason after i woke up so just keep in mind that his name will be GUY lol...anywayz...i made my way around the path of luggage and got the the seat blocked by his legs and feet besided him. i said "exscuse me? do you mind if my puppy sits beside you"?he said no. i sat my puppy down and it ran away. i was devastATED lol
* shrug*


OBVIOUSLY i was too MUCH IN TOUCH WITH MY EMOTIONS.haha in the back of my head the whole time i was thinking this was just a dream and that its not real.after the water works i sat down beside him.illl give you 6 dollars if you go away he said i looked at him he was holding a plastic bag inside it was what looked like seasoning. he started putting the brown stuff that looked like seasoning all over the money . tearing the one dallor bill in half. EXCUSE ME! i said obviously pissed and ready to order OFF WIth your head any moment. THATS MY MONEY YOU JERK!

he didnt say anything i finally noticed the whole bag that started to have a bitter scent. WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! i asked in disgust. its my .....devils.....drug..unfourtunately thats all i remeber about his responce was those words i was so mad that i could care less anymore. then he sneezed and the stupid drug went all over my new favorite shirt!


THATS IT YOU CAN KEEP THE 6 DALLORS & A HALF IM LEAVING i said but, he was too busy doing his seasoning. i walked toward the open bus door. thinking maybe none will notice or think it was food spill or something. Im no tattle tell and what he does will only effect his life not mine cause i wasnt planning on getting invovled. i walked out my shirt reeked smelling like cigarettes salt and pepper mixed to gather i let a frown paste itself on my face. out side of the camp which i dont remeber the name of we all waited for the other people to get of the bus while waiting for further instructions from our camp leader/teacher.IT seemed like everyone from school was there.

i looked around at all the groups i saw amanda crying over something that i obviously didnt care about..i seen that one girl that used to come to my first seamester 3rd lunch table with the glittery eyes...

i saw fuzzy...meaker..eric..robert...nikki & her group ectt. yup everyone was here but in the bottom of my mind i knew I WASNT.Im YOur new teacher ...THAT GUY said....WTF? hes our teacher & he was getting high off seasoning in the back of the bus? i was thinking.WE ARE DOOMED i mumbled. he showed us to each cabin place.we had free time to walk around ect.

he grabbed me with everyone else gone.his nails digging in my arms skin.STOPIT DUMBASS YOUR HURTING ME.i said DON'T TELL ANYONE WHAT HAPPENED IN THE BACK OF THE BUS GOT IT? he said.I WASNT PLANNING ON IT. NOW LET ME GO YOU PHYSCO, I KICCK HIM AND HE LOOSENED HIS GRIP STILL HOLDING ME THO...IM NOT ONE TO FUCK WITH HE SAID,,, WELL ME EITHER BUT YOU ALREADY FUCked YOUR CHANCE WITH ME I REPLIED

Don't expect me to go to prom with you now. i said
he dropped me aggravated and i just laughed.
later one i saw courtney derryberry talking to him they were totally undeniably flirting i pulled her aside taking her into the girls room. ARE YOU DELUDED? i exclaimed why are you wasting your time on that low-life?! hes dangerous!.

i warned.

i even told her about the drugs.

I CAN TELL THATS DRUGS AND NOT FOOD ON YOUR SHIRT YOU KNOW?
HOW?! I SAID.
WELL ONE WAY IS IT IS WIND IS BLOWING FREQUENTLY TODAY AND IF IT WASNT DRUGS IT WOULD HAVE BLOWN AWAY ITSELF.

I was aggravated whatever

i said go back out there to

your new boyfriend.i really wanted to get rid of her

didnt care how she was nawing at the edge of my nerves.
i pulled of that shirt and put on a nice clean one jumped into bed woke up ....dead bodies all around in the lake blood everywher....my body started to tremble...i was falling onto the ground...then i heard someone board the white van..people were leaving that included meaker out of curiousity i asked WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHAT HAPPENED? he shrugged and said I GOT INTO TROUBLE SO THEY ARE SENDING ME AWAY.
oh im sorry i said.

the doors closed i waved goodbye to everyone.
then i realized i was ALONe except the

dead bodies and physco cause

of the bodies i was abandoned. HOW COULD I BE SO STUPID?
i started to cry then i saw my sister and started running towads her when i reached her i ASKED CAN I USE YOUR PHONE CHRISSY I HAVE TO CALL MOM.
NO. she firmly said.

i couldnt understand i couldnt fathom of all times exspeacially this.
the killer was getting closer i closed my eyes.
opened them again white...walls...white everything white.
i dont think shell ever wake up the voice belonging to my mother said...im so sorry chrissy (sister) said i should have told mom that you hit your head...Her voice faded out and they were leaving me..i wanted to stop them to scream at them but nothing came out not even tears i tried and failed i felt hopless and alone in a room of horrible white.
i looked at the bracelet i knew where i was..an insilum.

I WOKE UP AGAIN

& here i am typing ...

but what if im really not?

what if i really am in

an insilum all along ?

and this is...

..EVERYTHIING

i made up?

im lost.

Bore day, Winter day.

I'ts ME!

MY school is dumb.

yeah, im not even kidding.
we are suppose to have a winter storm &
all the other schools closed before ours.
they let everyone out at 12:00.

WHATS WRONG WITH THEM?!
Whats next? a physco killer on the
loose on the school grounds? i have
no doubt they would try to
have school even then.

although they are insignificant dumbasses:
you gotta admire thier persistance.
although, idiots shouldn't
really be teaching idiots, right?

anyway thanks for being interested
though this blog, is coming to an end i will
have interesting pictures at the bottom.
thanks for reading.

chow!

Hello :)

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Hello everyone.
.
And, Welcome to my new blog. In this place,
i will allow all you strangers to see this world through my eyes.
This of course is just the introduction of what is to come.

ABOUT ME:;
My name is Tamara{Tam-A-rah}.
I was born in Victor Ville,California of year 1993 .
I'm fifteen years of age. I'm a female of course.
(i have no accent)I moved to a not so cool
place known as Tennessee
also, attending high school as a freshman.
Though my high school fresh
experience is almost over, i feel incomplete.

My best friend's name is Shardasia.
And, she moved a year ago to Korea.
Yes, i did mean Korea.
Its hard to believe but, its true.
i miss her very much.

Honestly.
i'm really starting this blog because i'm a coward.
This is like my sanctuary.
i feel like i can escape anything when i start writing here,
there will be no secrets.
absoulutely nothing .
i will tell everything and
anything as much as i want because,
i know that no-one i know will ever read these words,
unlike myspace, it would be much harder to find me.

In this blog, i will be spilling my heart & all my stories.
i will always try to avoid any boring news.
My next blog will allow you to get to
know me better by telling you my past

Though this blog will cease to
really stay on the topic ME.
it will have very many subjects
especially about discrimination.

I'm NOT "Gothic", "emo", "punk" "scene"or "grunge".
even though i tell many people in life this
they still continue to harass me and some
of my friends who are different than themselves.
i'm really getting sick of it.
to be honest i don't know what top call myself,
but i really rather not be labeled anymore
seeing as being labeled as something
makes people assume you do
everything that people heard such as
emo meaning you cut yourself...
gothic...you worship the devil
punk...your a trouble maker
grunge..your a slob
scene....your mean and rude
None of this is true most of the time but,
the world cares more about believing
things that makes life interesting.
AND PAINFUL.
stay tuned.